‘I think your need outweighs your fear’

There are few people I have met that have hearts as vulnerable as Mark Lewis.’ Mark is one of those people that sees straight through any fronts you put up and isn’t afraid to lovingly point out the good in others. It’s uncanny how clearly he sees beyond what is immediately apparent.

There are three things Mark has said to me that I don’t think I’ll ever forget, things he said so quietly and thoughtfully that he probably has no idea how deeply they embedded themselves into my heart. The other two deserve blog posts of their own, but the one I’m chewing on today is this:

I think your need outweighs your fear.

I am introverted and full of ideas and sometimes they struggle to come out. Mark recognizes this in me: there’s nothing stereotypically theater about me, nothing that obviously indicates that I belong in an acting ensemble like Workout. I shake standing in front of even my closest friends. Memorization is difficult for me. My knowledge of plays is pretty limited.

But sometimes, sometimes, my need to express myself and be understood outweighs my fear of being hurt, of rejection.

And so I do vulnerable things like audition for Workout or make art or tell someone how I’m really doing.

That passion, that need, can be so severe sometimes. Don’t we all want something? Need something?

I want to live a life without fear of rejection, and sometimes I can push it aside and sometimes I just can’t. I’ve learned that not everyone speaks the same heart language. And that’s okay, but it causes us to really hurt each other sometimes, often unintentionally.

I want to speak as clearly as I write and I want people to look at me and not shy away. I want someone to talk to me about something real for once. Let’s talk about the Holy Spirit. Let’s run our fingers through grainy sand and squint at the sun and turn inwards towards the shore and feel the ocean breeze on our backs.

I don’t know, friends. It’s late on a Saturday evening and I have a lot of trains of thought I’m trying to hold all at once with my two small hands. But I guess it ultimately comes down to this:

I’m in awe of how Jesus understands us no matter how articulate, or tongue-tied, we are. He understands our need to be known. And when we do let Him in, He doesn’t shy away from the messy bits, but pulls us in even closer.

We never have to fear rejection from Him. He’s already proven His unconditional love for us.

And you know what the best part is? We don’t have to pretend like we don’t desperately need Him. We don’t have to worry about coming across as too much: He knows the depth of our sinfulness and the depth of our need for Him, and He’s stretching His arms open wide, ushering us to Him.

We are seen, truly seen. Isn’t that the longing of the human spirit? To be known for who we really are and accepted?

I’m savoring this truth tonight, and I hope you can too. Keep pressing in, even when you can’t seem to hear Him. He is there and listening, and loves you more than you know.

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