Resisting hibernation

Words have been failing me, again.

I’ve been trying so hard to muster up something: to try to put it all into language with meaning, with authenticity. But sometimes quietness just seems a lot more honest than words.

The truth is that I’ve been a worried wreck lately.

I know that worrying is a waste of emotional energy. I know it shows my lack of faith. I know I know I know, but for a person that feels everything so deeply, sometimes knowing doesn’t matter very much.

For a person like me, every day life can feel like drinking straight from a fire hose, and sometimes I just can’t help myself. Some days I just don’t know how to stop the worrying.

There is so much happening and so many people in my life that I love that are hurting and I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless to intervene, and even more so that adding my own heaviness makes things worse. I don’t feel like I have permission to be sad.

And so I find myself retreating, trying to conserve energy. Leaning into a state of hibernation. Putting up walls for protection. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not, but it’s where I’m at. It’s not pretty, or admirable, but it’s real.

This morning a friend looked me in the eyes and told me that I am carrying more than is necessary, that I need to slow down, to let go of the worry and anxiety and just rest in the current.

I’m still trying to figure out how to do so, but I think it starts with the daily effort to resist hibernating, to keep faithfully pushing forward into uncertainty.

Prayer is always appreciated, friends. I’d love to be praying for you, as well.

More thoughts soon.

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